50 Shades of…

7 Jan

Crapt. Poop. **EARMUFFS** Shit.   Seriously?  This is what is driving millions of women to attack their husbands with reckless abandon? This outsold all the Harry Potter books combined in the UK on Amazon UK? Combined?!!!   All I know is I paid $9.99 for it, and I want my money back.

I didn’t even finish it.  I can’t.  I’ve tried like 7 times.

And it’s not even the “crazy” sex scenes…most of  those are laughable.  It’s the writing. Oh, the writing. It’s so bad. 

About three pages in, I cried foul.  Plagiarism if you will.  WHHHHHHY does this sound exactly like Twilight?  BECAUSE IT IS. Did you know that? I didn’t.  Yep, 50 Shades was written as Twilight fanfiction.  Complete with the names of Edward and Bella.  After some questions about the sex stuff, James pulled it off and went to publishing it herself.

The internal chatter of Anastasia was one of the most obnoxious things I’ve ever read…”OMG! He’s so hot! Oh my…!”. What 22 year old says “Oh my?”  And I feel like James decided to use a thesaurus only every 3rd page.  There’s random “big words” thrown in all like, “look, I’m a real writer! OMG!”  And I don’t think I could take reading the word “belly” one more time.

I liked Twilight (mostly).  But that was about a High School girl (brain development not complete!) and mythical beings.  You can choose to overlook the dumb…because it’s true fantasy. It’s never going to be real.  But the dumb in this book?  Scary. Creepy.

Run away, Girl–he tracked your ass down at a bar–in a city he doesn’t even live in.  This is a real stalker.  This shit happens in real life.  Then they find your body in a river.  He bought rope and tape and looked at you with crazy eyes.  That’s not sexy.  Call the police.  Let him use those sexy eyes in prison and see what happens.  

I’ve heard spoilers so I know how this all ends…THIS IS NOT REAL, LADIES.  YOU CANNOT SAVE THE DAMAGED MAN.  ESPECIALLY BY GETTING PREGNANT.

And the sex scenes.  I mean, I knew this was BDSM inspired so I was prepared.  But it vacillates between horribly gross and laughably ridiculous.   “He lifts my foot by the heel and runs his thumbnail up my instep.” Ha. Hahaha. Ah yes.  I love when my instep gets touched.  The Hubs and I were reading this together and we were doubled over laughing.  Our new inside joke is to walk up to each other and yell “Don’t touch my instep!”

Perhaps most disturbing to me is the junior-high aged girls reading this. Waaay too impressionable to differentiate between appropriate and inappropriate ways to be treated (or how to treat women).  Or this. Actually this is just sickening.

shades of grey

And please, can someone who has finished tell me…is there any significance to the Converse?  We constantly read that they both wear Converse.  Is this relevant or just some lame attempt to show how “cool” the characters are? Does the baby chew its way out? I may keep reading for that.  Does anyone morph into an oversize dog?  What am I missing?

And just because…here are some really good examples of fanfiction.  I came across these after reading The Hunger Games–definitely worth the read.

Oh, and funny story.  The Hubs thought I said this was Harry Potter fanfic, so he’s reading and all like, “Who’s Harry again?” And I’m like, “What? Nobody is hairy.” And then there was talk of big wands and riding dragons and so forth.  So maybe I got my $9.99 worth in laughs?

6 Responses to “50 Shades of…”

  1. Meg January 7, 2013 at 6:15 pm #

    I totally agree with you! I stopped after the second book, just couldn’t waste any more time on the horrible writing/character development. My husband and I laughed so much reading some of the “sexy” scenes outloud, while other scenes were downright scary to me!
    What are you reading next? Do you belong to a book club? I’d love to have someone to discuss books with.

    • Ashley Niehaus January 7, 2013 at 6:19 pm #

      Not sure what I’m reading next…I don’t do a book club, well I’m doing an online parenting one, but I think that’s fizzled. I’d love to coordinate!

  2. Erika January 8, 2013 at 10:21 am #

    Those books were horribly written! She kept repeating the same thing over and over again. I got through to half of the second book and wish I had stopped sooner. I certainly don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything having not finished them. I felt more stupid for reading them and was embarrassed about it (I hid them at lunch so my coworkers wouldn’t see!).

    • Ashley Niehaus January 8, 2013 at 1:36 pm #

      Yes! I don’t feel like I’m missing out either. Thankfully I was reading on my Kindle, so I didn’t have to worry about people seeing what I was reading, but maybe you could use these next time you’re reading? 🙂 http://pinterest.com/pin/181692166187430205/

  3. Angela January 8, 2013 at 8:19 pm #

    I feel so validated in my decision to continue bucking the literary trends of society now!

    • Ashley Niehaus January 8, 2013 at 8:37 pm #

      Well…I did make you read Twilight…

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