{Lookin’ Like a Fool With My Pants on the Ground}

15 Jan


I think this song was written especially for me.   Minus the gold teeth and hat turned sideways.  I don’t do those things.  But I am guilty of sagging.  Not on purpose, of course.  My thuggin’ days are over, yo.  But, because of the  healthier lifestyle I’ve recently adopted, my pants no longer fit.  They look horrible.  I need new pants.  This weekend has been dubbed “Operation Find Pants.”  I will not stop until I find the perfect black dress pants, and the perfect jeans.  I’m glad we have a 3-day weekend.

Here’s the problem situation.  My hips are out of proportion with the rest of my body.  Now, I don’t really mind, per se.  It makes me curvy.  But, it makes it horrible to find clothes that fit.  If they fit around the waist, good luck getting them around the hips.  If they fit around the hips, I have this weird fabric flapping going on at my waist. And I have a short torso.  So those high-waisted buggers makes it look like I lost my body. 

So no high-waisted.

Too low, though, and I’ve got panty-peep going on.  Not so classy.

I’m also fairly tall (5’9”), so I’ve got to have some length in the inseam. Plus, I wear heels.

Now, somewhere someone decided that women needed to be compared to fruits.  Are you a banana, an apple, a pear, or an hourglass (hmmm…that someone sure ran out of creative juices pretty quickly.  They couldn’t even keep up with their theme!)? 

According to the pictures, I’m a pear.  Which is sad.  Because I don’t really like pears.  The old adage of “you are what you eat” doesn’t seem to ring true for me.

Some tips for pear shapes are:

1. To wear darker colors on the bottom half of the body, with little or no detailing. This makes your big bottom kinda blend in and not stand out. Wearing black pants or dark denim can be a bit bland, so I like to mix it up by wearing fun shoes and accessories.

2. Wear brighter colors on the top half of the body, or clothes with detailing closer to the face.  This draws the attention away from those thunderous thighs.

3. Pants should be straight-legged, definitely not tapered.  A tapered leg makes you look like a lollipop, and flared legs actually accentuate how the hips are larger.  This is tricky right now in the fashion realm, as skinny jeans and leggings are in.

4. A-line skirts are better than pencil skirts.  Pencil skirts on pear shapes remind me of bacon wrapped-filet mignon, you know, it just kind of wraps around the meat and fat.  A-lines accentuate a narrow waist, and then goes straight down and out just a bit and hides the hips and thighs.

5. Empire waist tops and dresses work well because they wrap around the narrow waist making you look fab, but then flares out around the hips hiding them. 

6. Most stylists recommend wrap dresses for pear shapes, but honestly, I haven’t had much luck with them.  It could have been the fabric, but it seemed to cling to every part of me, especially the hips, making them appear even larger.

7. Jackets and tops should be a bit longer than what most jackets and tops come in.  If they stop right at hips, they draw attention right to the place where you want the least attention.  Tops that come to about crotch-level (sorry…) will cover the hips and pull attention further down the body.  This works well for me since I have a short torso, too. American Eagle Outfitters is a great store for tops and camis as they’re usually considerably longer.  Their silhouettes are very flattering, too, as they naturally cut in at the waistline, and usually flare back out slightly. Express is another place for longer tops, but they can sometimes make up for that with plunging necklines or scary fabrics. 

8. Don’t tuck tops in. This creates attention right at the waistline, where you want it least.  Because the waist is smaller, there is also usually a lot of wrinkling at the tuck, which isn’t flattering on anyone.

9. Some stylists will also recommend belting (around the waist, not through beltloops).  I’ve had hit and miss success with this.  Wide belts take away my torso, but skinny belts look disproportionate.  I also tend to belt a bit higher than my waistline because I think belting can make the waist look even skinnier, which makes the hips look even bigger.  

10. Belting through belt loops also doesn’t always work for me. I’ve found wider belts look better than skinnier ones.  However, I usually follow the longer top rule, so my belts aren’t seen anyway.

Learning to dress my hips helps me to embrace.  So does knowing that these lovely, talented women have the same problem getting dressed in the morning as I do.


2 Responses to “{Lookin’ Like a Fool With My Pants on the Ground}”

  1. Heather May 21, 2013 at 7:09 pm #

    I came across your blog while searching for idea swimsuits for my body type; I also suffer with the affliction of short torso, pear-shape. I love showing off my lower half, but often at the expense of not much going on up top. Therefore, as you have outlined, balance is key. However, I will not subject myself to empire waistlines not one-piece swimsuits! ha
    Congratulations on the recent weight loss. I hope you found success with pants. I find that GAP jeans fit my bum quite nicely and aren’t loose on the hips. Actually, I don’t have much trouble with loose around the waist clothes for some reason. I think my hips are just so dang high that my actual waist starts close under my breasts, leaving plenty of room for jeans. Woa-is-me! 😛 Maybe I should get into shape as well. I think that if you are fit, it doesn’t matter what shape your body may be, you’ll feel your best in most anything. 😀

    • Ashley Niehaus May 21, 2013 at 8:58 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by! I hope you find a swimsuit (oh, joy, it’s that time of year!). I’ve recently had a baby, so I have a whole new set of problems, but I’m holding off on the 1 piece swimsuit for as long as possible!

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